Revolutionary Romance: Why hitting your head may be the only way out

I had an epiphany last night. I was sitting Indian-style on my couch, finishing the last bite of my less-than-satisfying black bean salad, when it hit me: I used to write. As a matter of fact, I used to write every day. I used to draw too. I also used to listen to music—like really listen. I used to love discovering new bands, reflecting on lyrics while I wrote or sketched, or while I just sat and let my thoughts wander to somewhere unexpected. At the near exact moment that I became lost in this realization, an email from my friend Libby popped up in my mailbox.

Libby and I had been emailing back and forth for several weeks, helping each other work through our respective guy problems. My problem was more involved than hers, but very similar. Perceiving this much, Libby thought (perhaps mistakenly) that I could provide her with some needed insight. I snatched my laptop from the coffee table and immediately began typing out a reply. “I feel… good,” I told her. “I feel like I sort of might be over it.”

I had been with the same guy, on and off, for about six months. We had gone from the dating track, to the friendship track, to the no-contact track, and back again, repeating this cycle a full three rounds. Two weeks ago, I cut off contact with him—again—hoping that the bogus notion of “out of sight, out of mind” might work this time around.

Well you know what they say, ladies: Ignore them and they will come. Sure enough, he called and texted over the weekend, saying he missed me and wanted to see me, suggesting that I “come by"...at 2 am. I knew this would happen. The result of the no-contact period was always the same. But this time it hurt more than the other times; this time it felt less like I won the game and more like I lost- and in double overtime. How was I ever going to get over this guy? He was unrelenting, and I pathetically jumped on the merry-go-round with each new revolution, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist, hoping that maybe this time I wouldn’t fall. Well, I did fall. And to my good fortune, I finally hit my head.

“I don’t know how to explain it,” I told Libby. “I feel like it just clicked." I told her that it's kind of how I imagine Allie feels in that scene in The Notebook when she says to her finance, "I used to paint. All the time. I really loved it." He looks at her, totally bewildered. "I didn’t know that," he says. "So paint." She smiles, her eyes registering something significant, as if her world has suddenly fallen into place: "I will."

A few days later she leaves him for good. And she paints.

The most creative thing I’ve done since I met him was to pick out paint colors for his new apartment. And to be honest, that was probably the peak of our relationship. I was happy to have an outlet for my creativity, and he was happy to encourage it for the sake of his lifeless little apartment. When the painting was finished and the apartment was perfect, that healthy chapter of our relationship was closed as well. His encouragement of my "artistic" side ceased, and he naturally refocused his attention on himself. Before I knew it, I was back to being that person I didn’t recognize. When I was with him, I was anxious and on edge, always on the defensive, always trying to articulate opinions that weren't necessarily important, or even mine for that matter. I had no other outlet, no channel through which I could express myself. For whatever reason, his presence stifled me. To put it simply: Being with him left me uninspired. He left me uninspired.

Now that I’ve had my breakthrough, I wonder if it will be enough. Will it be enough to keep me from dusting off my knees and jumping back onto his rotary carnival ride? You know, I think it will be. Because no one can focus on herself when she’s riding in circles on the back of someone else. And while standing on solid ground may leave me dizzy for some time, at least I can walk away towards something new and undiscovered—towards a new band, a new picture, a new story... and eventually a new guy.

Besides, who wants to forever listen to the perennial squealing tune of a merry-go-round? Personally, I've got a serious headache. I think three times around is more than enough.

The Anti-Type

Well, ladies, I’m back. As it turns out, I did become a girlfriend. And that guy I was dating? He became a boyfriend. My writing ceased for a little while as I was so content, so at peace, so perfectly uninspired—and then, I had my heart broken. The past few months have involved a lot of healing, which has mainly come in the form of bitter text messages, snooping, trash talking—the usual crazy behavior of a girl who always thought she’d be the one doing the breaking up, a girl who believes that “dating down” is always worth it, just to have surefire control. Some guys just don’t know how good they have it, you know? *

*A bruised ego is easily treatable: a healthy dose of delusion teamed with a pile of vanity (courtesy of your closest fan base) and you’re all set.

Now, enough hashing out the past. Let’s get to the good stuff.

I met a new man last week. He’s four years older and far too nice. The guy seems to have a heart of gold, which is something that I’m simply not used to. Our one mutual friend claims to not have a bad word to say about him but also says that she can’t see the two of us together. “He is so NOT your type,” she texted me after make out sesh numero uno. This really got me thinking…

What contributes to molding someone’s “type”? Is one’s type based solely on the qualities of former boyfriends? If so, then shouldn’t everyone reevaluate and revamp her type after each and every break up? After all, there’s always a reason it didn’t work out.

Here’s what is—according to previous trends—my type: intelligent, funny, "alternative"....And in some cases, really alternative. I’ve also dated the cocky, good-looking types who often disclose in so many words (and actions) that they are attracted to me for my body. My boobs, mainly. What about my winning personality? Or my out-of-the-box interests? Or at least my smile…?

In all seriousness, what the hell kinds of trends are these? I clearly need to steer my hot wheels in a new direction. Maybe the “so NOT your type” is exactly the type I should be after.

Knock-knock, Mr. Nice Guy...

The Titles: Does becoming a girlfriend mean losing your soul?

Remember my friend John? The brilliant mastermind behind the Stable? Of course you do. Well John and I are still (platonic) friends, and tonight we were discussing my most recent relationship.

“So, how’s the boyfriend?” John asked almost immediately.

“I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“I thought you did. Then who is this guy that you seem so thrilled to be dating?”

“Oh, well, he’s just this guy I’m dating.”

“So why not ‘boyfriend’? You guys sure do seem to be spending a lot of time together…”

“I don’t know. We just aren’t quite ready for ‘the titles’.”

Less than an hour later, I was on the phone with my friend Madeleine, who has been seeing an older guy for the last 3 months or so.

“Katie, he called me his girlfriend.”

“Shit. To who?”

“That’s the worst part—to a random bartender! The bar was closing, and he said something like ‘Well, I just want to get one more drink for my girlfriend’.”

“Did he know that you could hear him?”

“I was right next to him!”

“Oh man.”

“I know.”

“Well, as long as he isn’t introducing you as his girlfriend, I think it’ll be fine. I wouldn’t worry quite yet, but you should definitely say something if he does it again.”

Following this less than unusual conversation, I reflected on the advice that I so confidently gave my newly "girlfriended" friend: “You should definitely say something.” Say what?... Excuse me, but I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t call me that before we have performed the official title dedication ceremony. What does it take to cross the oh-so-crucial boyfriend/girlfriend line?

I have been seeing the same guy for about 6 weeks now. The relationship has progressed quite quickly, which is, I like to believe, due to our amazing and unprecedented level of chemistry. We communicate through texts and phone calls several times a day and hang out, I’d say, at least 5 days a week. In addition, we have been spending the night together sober (another huge milestone), and once we even lounged in bed together reading our respective novels for twenty minutes before turning out the light. (I know... Who am I??)

Yet, still, I cringe at the thought: “Am I a girlfriend?” No. It can’t be. Girlfriends are those petite femme-bots in Seven jeans and ballet flats. The ones who pay $600 a month for bedrooms that they’ve stepped foot in four times. They’re the ones us single girls scoff at for always being “with him,” and for losing touch with what’s really important: friends and getting wasted.

Why do we have such a problem with the “titles”? Because the titles are what make the persons involved no longer people. The titles force him and her to become a pair. A couple. A set. A Brangelina.

Well, ladies, I am here to tell you that it is possible to be “taken” without having a boyfriend or, worse, being a girlfriend. I am living proof.

And, yes, I will be sure to let you know when the inevitable day arrives--the day that I am girlfriended. Or, I guess, the day that "the guy I’m dating” becomes simply "a guy." Ultimately, it’s got to go one way or the other, but I think I'll try to stay in limbo just tad longer. I like it here.

Clearing out the closet: When is it really time to move on?

Is it true what they say—that you can’t really get over a past love until you find a new one? It has been over four years since my last serious relationship, and now, for the first time, I am finding myself falling hard for someone else. While I find the prospect of a new love exhilarating, I can’t help but panic: Wait! I’ve still got baggage! That’s all I can think about—the damn baggage. Though my ex and I ended it almost half a decade ago, the emotional remnants are anything but long gone. We still talk on occasion, and while most of these conversations begin with nostalgia and laughter, they more often than not end with feelings of mutual disgust. While I try my best to avoid these sporadic blasts-to-the-pasts, it is--as all women know--easier said than done.

Now here I am looking into the eyes of another guy, a guy who is everything that I have been looking for, and all I can think about is the baggage that this beautiful, blossoming relationship may someday leave behind. How will I make room? Is it possible to have serious baggage with two different men? I can barely handle the first one! Maybe it is true: that this new love will officially clear out my cluttered closet once and for all. But my biggest fear is that all of this “stuff,” this stuff that has been discreetly burdening my love and sex life for four years, will never really go away. The memories both good and bad, the ghosts of an amazing chemistry long lost, the smiles, the tears, the promises, the betrayals—what if all of this baggage doesn’t disappear but is merely recycled? How does a woman enter into a new relationship without considering the heavy load that was left by the last? How do we know if it’s really worth it?

We always hear it: Everyone’s got baggage. And while dealing with the weight of the past is never easy, it has to be done, one way or another. I am not a believer in serial monogamy—in finding a new love simply to replace an old. I am a believer, however, in moving on, and in my case, my baggage is worn out. Okay, so maybe I do have more baggage in my future…so what? I could use a fresh set.

Loving Without Props: Something to Ponder

Do they still call it infatuation? That magic ax that chops away the world in one blow, leaving only the couple standing there trembling? Whatever they call it, it leaps over anything, takes the biggest chair, the largest slice, rules the ground wherever it walks, from a mansion to a swamp, and its selfishness is its beauty.... People with no imagination feed it with sex -- the clown of love. They don't know the real kinds, the better kinds, where losses are cut and everybody benefits. It takes a certain intelligence to love like that -- softly, without props.

TONI MORRISON, Love

Femme Fatale...Or Just Fatal?

Campus Romance, Unrequited
Dating Scene Fails Women, Study Says
By Michael A. Fletcher, Washington Post Staff Writer, July 26, 2001

Excerpt:

With 100 women on college campuses for every 79 men, women are more apt to initiate relationships with men and are more willing to experiment with casual relationships, even when they know such liaisons leave them emotionally empty, the survey found.

Where college students once abided by well-known, if constricting, rules of dating, the survey found that those rules are more vague than ever. College women are more likely to "hook up" with male partners— meaning engage in physical relationships often fueled by alcohol that are devoid of commitment and sometimes even of affection.

These hook-ups range from kissing to oral sex to intercourse, the report said. In the survey, 40 percent of the women said they had hooked up with men, and 1 in 10 had done so at least six times.

If women are not hooking up, the report said, they frequently fall into fast-moving, "joined-at-the-hip" relationships with men, spending nights in one another's rooms and effectively stifling all other relationships.

"Young women are trying more and more to act like men," said Nancy Pfotenhauer, president of the Independent Women's Forum. "But the problem is they don't react like men."

Can we as females be players without playing ourselves? I am a classic example of the new generation of college-aged females: I've never had a real "boyfriend" in college, yet I've had numerous relationships with men which have involved consistent hooking-up, frequent phone chats, and even the occasional meet-the-fam milestone. Now that I'm a senior, can I, in retrospect, say that this was what I really wanted? Did I lose more than I gained? What, if anything, would I do differently?