I had an interesting week last week. Once again, I endured a break-up, and once again it was a break-up from a guy I was never dating.
You know, whenever you're sharing a bed with someone who isn't your boyfriend, you run a much higher risk of... well, lots of things. Not the least of which is ambiguity. While some probably find such a lack of definition irritating, I find it kind of fun and fascinating. Like reading a story that has no clear end in sight.
I guess I believe that, like life itself, relationships are made up of unique and beautiful little occurrences and each evolve and define themselves over time, based on a myriad of factors. Some evolve into friendships, some develop into more, some into less or even nothing... But each pair of people whose lives collide represents a coupling that is purely distinctive in itself. I value this infinite potential of human interaction, this unknown prospect of what lies ahead. At this stage in my life, when I am living and working in one place, 9 to 6 day in and day out, it is these relationships that keep me on my toes, that keep things interesting. I just feel way too young to accept any kind of preconceived fulfillment of love, any version of a "safe bet".
This particular guy was definitely not a safe bet. He lives hundreds of miles away, works 60-hour weeks, is a musician, a writer, a self-proclaimed "free spirit"... that kind of thing. But while the promise of immediate commitment was never there, the connection was. No, this guy was not going to keep me warm every night, assemble furniture for my bedroom, or hold my hand through the daily ups and downs of my quarter-life, but, you know... He made me happy. He made me feel good and like myself. And I trusted him. I don’t mean that I trusted that he'd be monogomous (no double standards here), but I mean that I trusted him to be a good person towards me, to show me honest affection, and to value our relationship for exactly what it was. It wasn’t until about a month ago that this trust began to slip. The warmth that I had felt from him for as long as we'd been friends suddenly began to cool. And when that mutual regard goes, the relationship—in whatever form— must go with it.
After I broke things off with him, I received a long email detailing an “unknown” that was just that. Pretty damn shocking. He was still in love with an ex-girlfriend—one who had broken his heart and left him to the birds over a year ago. His broken heart had stifled all relationships he'd had with women since, including the one he shared with me. He couldn’t value me or what we had, because he couldn’t trust me not to hurt him or himself not to hurt me first. While my logic may be foolish at times, I know enough to appreciate that trust is the one and only constant that absolutely cannot subside. Our relationship, in all its refreshing ambiguity, was over.
It’s funny when you find yourself questioning your sworn outlooks on life and love. The unpredictability and randomness of life is my drug. Without it, I truly think that I would die of boredom. But like any drug, the unknown can be toxic and hurtful. I’d be lying to say that this “break-up” didn’t disillusion me to a point. Again I find myself thinking that maybe I should just go after that safe bet, after that guy who I know won’t throw me any curve balls. But the truth is, it's these curve balls that challenge us; that shape who we are and what we value, and that will eventually lead us to the ones who we are destined to be with- to the ones who will throw us benders, day in and day out, but hurl them our way with love, respect, and trust... trust that we will step up to the plate and return the favor. You know, as much as it stings right now, I think that I'm willing to sacrifice the safe bet, the life-expected, to make way for the life and guy that are out there waiting for me. So what if I have to endure a few mini heart-breaks in the meantime... Each one will unquestionably leave me better off.
Batter's up, friends. This one's most definitely headed into extra innings.
It's that time of year again! Time to momentarily forget about work, dating, and money and be utterly self-indulgent for just a few minutes. Just long enough to put together your Christmas list, and just in time to throw it at Mom, Boyfriend, Grandma, and of course Mr. Claus. My list this year consists of basic necessities for a working 20-something. Things that I absolutely cannot live (much longer) without but that I absolutely cannot afford on my non-profit, two-years-out-of-school salary. At the top of my list is this beautiful Tory Burch satchel. It comes in Berry and Navy- two very versatile (but way more fun) subs for
the basic black and brown. It can be carried by the short straps to the office or flung across the body for a night out on the town. Yes, puh-lease. 
Finally, the black jacket. I have learned that there's a serious difference between a black coat and a black jacket. I have a black wool coat that I love and adore, but sometimes it's just too formal to throw on with jeans and Toms. Not to mention the sometimes inconvenient body coverage that comes hand-in-hand with a winter coat (imagine that). I can't wait to rock this cropped hoodie over a black mini and opaque tights for a little less coverage and a little more leg. If you think that's the end of my list, then you don't know me too well. Stay tuned for more holiday gift picks... the rest under $100. Once I can figure out how to work more images into one post, it will look like Oprah's Favorite things up in here.
